retreating away

alrighty...what shall i say..came back from retreat today..well it wasnt tt fantastic..didnt like it when we had to sit on the floor and to be honest i didnt quite like the part where we had to reflect and keep writing down stuff..waste paper..haha i mean if u know it in ur heart why must u write it down? lazy la..lol went to makan with mels eug jea fran..well mostly jus ahhrran so kinda felt bad abt it.. sigh sometimes its so hard when u dont try u know..i may encourage u over and over again but what if i get tired? theres a limit too u know. for now im not giving up but getting really tired..
i dont know whether i should try anymore with u...its getting kinda tiring to see u like this.. and i cant do anything anyway.. wish u;d change..not sure if ure putting up a front now..if u r, theres really no pt..if ure sad, u gotta move on..everybody experiences the same shit..its jus whether u pick urself up again...in a way putting up a front helps but it wont last forever u still gotta move on from whatever it is tts upsetting u.
anyway i thought today was good..gotta watch corpse bride..and sleep haha and mumble nonsense when i was sleeping and u watched xmen2 ooo i gotta play with snake 3 too! but had to stop when u chased me home. haha its really fun being with ya but i guess i didnt really see tt inner sadness u had and im sorry.. i will pray for u and hope tt u'll be alright..
lately i cant help but think tt im suppressing a lot of things...like when u wanna kill and argue with someone abt smth but u know tt if u do it it would be bad so what u do is quickly or slowly stab this black figure..jus keep stabbing it till it slowly bleeds and dies away then u hav to forget abt it and move on and be happy. for now its working but each time this black figure grows bigger when its formed..wonder when will be the day when i can no longer overpower this figure and this thing overpowers me..
maybe a part of me really dies each time...
sometimes im jus so tired of fighting and arguing tt i rather jus give in..and take whatever shit tt comes my way.its better this way i guess. even if u tell me to say it, i know it;ll be stupid to do so cuz u'll disagree with what im disagreeing with and the cycle continues. finally realised its better to shut my mouth and bear with it.
sometimes holding back/walking away really makes u a better person